I have seen people get out of situations like this, but only when they are ready and see it as a problem. Ehhhhh. He may want to consider family therapy if his mom is open to it too, or even just individual therapy to get to the root causes of what is going on. 1) accept he'll never change and that's the life he decided to lead 2) wait for him to change. It took distancing herself, and accepting the fact that she wasnt supposed to be my mom before she fully got to setting boundaries to my mom who wasnt taking care of me and was expecting her to. He is obviously struggling and by what you wrote - he cannot open up to you because you're not understanding and do not support him. Seriously. I mean even if he pays rent hes still an adult and all shes really asking him to do is adult things. 25 Tragic Signs He Loves His Mother More Than Hell Ever Love You WebAccept that your mate does not like being treated like a kid. Until. Im in the same boat, but Im older and engaged. Is it joking or serious? This will never stop. For all his temper, though, he has an appealing dramatism and emotional component that borders on charisma. If he doesnt, then you need to understand your limited power to change things. Thats fine, but I dont think I can continue with him as he already has so much responsibility and is almost never free to give me his full attention. Only invest what you want. After bringing up the issue to her boyfriend, he started cleaning up after himself. It's hard to say what the future will look like. It sadly won't change. I've ridden the rails, gone off track and lost my train of thought. does his mom know that's his goal? His mother is overly emotional and prone to mood swings. Obviously, everything does not have to be done as a family. The "weirdest" thing here is the brothers call him daddy, but we don't know their situation, do we? It will not get better. It sounds like OP is blessed enough in her family to not have had to step up and take on other responsibilities within the family. Long story short, it only got worse and I finally decided to leave him 3 years laterwhile 9 months pregnant. Or baby mom or something? Are you the other woman to a guy whose wife and kids keep interrupting him? by WebMy point is, a woman like your boyfriends mother will become very jealous of you. He is the first person to help anyone else out in the family, which is lovely, but he also tends to talk behind people's backs, complaining about his duty while at the same time feeling like he must be dutiful. Is this normal? Sorry you have to deal with a woman like that. They'll say "they're doing their duty as a sibling!!" His dad picked us up (it was only 30 mins away). Seriously. Juliana Mei It means knowing what you will and wont tolerate. Im sure it is an incredibly frustrating situation for you. Codependency between family members is also known as enmeshment. Once youve started a free-flowing dialogue, it will hopefully be easier to voice your concerns about the nature of their relationship and whether it has codependent elements to it. No one has a bad word to say about him. You can't maintain a relationship unless you see each other. Taking care of younger siblings is a very normal thing when there's that big of an age difference as well (however you may feel about that pressure). my Mom My point is, a woman like your boyfriends mother will become very jealous of you. An adult living with his parent should be taking on a share of household duties and/or contributing financially. Frankly I can't tell if he's way to attached to his mother and you're 100% justified, or if you're a selfish girl who is jealous of his reasonable time and attention to his family, The answer is likely somewhere in between. The disentanglement there would require tact and likely some degree of willingness and/or acceptance from all parties. He loves them when they're behaving as they should and not when they're behaving as they shouldn't. He has a tumultuous relationship with his mother that is rooted from day one, and it's not pretty. That will make it so difficult. Edit to add: ever since I apologized for expecting him to get rid of his situation faster and embrassing and encouraging his progress it has all been better. Look up "enmeshment" and "emotional incest." Plus I can imagine this is really frustrating for your relationship as well. WebHis mother treats him like a baby and he is 30. Of course she relies on your boyfriend to help out around the house and help control the kids. And whats the solution to dating someone who is in a codependent relationship with their mom? So much that, guess what? i (22f) live with my family and boyfriend (22m). How can you say this will NEVER stop, you negative person who is so eager to make sure other people break up! It's great he cares for his family though it does suck to always feel like you're an afterthought even though it isnt his intention. If it's something you think you can move past then by all means, stay with him but if its clear itll never improve and you see it as a huge issue leave. When someone is in denial over anything, although we can try to help them see unhealthy patterns, its down to them ultimately. But I supported his decisions and talked him through a lot of it, and he came to his own solution. OP sounds likesomeone I would not want to be marooned with on a desert island. The dude has a bigger problem of not knowing how to set boundaries. The grocery trip is weekly, too. And he will never be able to stand up for you, your relationship, or himself because of the grip she has on him. Im sorry OP, I hope Im wrong and it works out, but I truly think this type of person is toxic and will ruin your relationship. He is 22, time to leave the nest. You said "he doesn't even get to breathe" in response to all things his mom makes him do, and then when he does get a chance to catch a breath, you demand his full attention. It sounds like these two are not compatible. Remember: you are responsible for your own happiness. These behaviors arent mutually exclusive, of course; my own mother was dismissive, combative, unreliable, and self-involved by turns. But it's not good for either of them. If the lack of time spent together is a deal breaker for you, then it can be. Why does love so often start out great, only to become a nightmare? It's not healthy no, but what is healthy is that they have such a loving older brother who is really there for them. Yes, this man will dote on you and spoil you. 20 Signs of Disrespect in a Relationship And What to Do It's also fairly normal for older children, e.g. I don't think he can give you the relationship you're looking for. it sounds like it doesn't occur to him to set the normal boundary of "be quiet and don't bug me for 30 min, i need to call someone". You don't have to save this relationship, its hard and there are crazy circumstances right now which make it much harder. And he'll be even more trapped because she will be 15 years older, needing even more help, and have become more helpless in the meantime. Does he spend a lot of time avoiding his mother, not because he's a forgetful man but because she creates anxiety or distress for him? and break up. Get out now while you can. who would pick up child care if he isn't there? If you do decide to stay help him realize that what his mother's asking of him is not normal, it's not his job and he doesn't own her a thing. He is 22 years old and fully capable of downsizing his mother's place in his life to make room for you and other adult pursuits. My fianc and his mom actually made plans for the three of us plus our kids to buy a home together. People are busy and you as his gf know he's very busy trying to be a good brother and a good son (regardless of how shitty his mom is at parenting). First things first, its time to figure out how extreme the codependency seems, and how much it impacts his and your life. His father left before he hit double digits, and she never married or as much as had another man around since. He'll probably make a great dad because he has lots of practice. most likely, she isn't going to like that. If hes not reaching his potential, he has only himself to blame. Its okay to break up with anyone at any time for any reason. Withdrawing some of your core wifely characters is a great protest note to let him be aware that he is losing you. Do you see the problem? So I very much second that he needs to recognise it as a problem, otherwise it will continue how it is and OP will have to be the increasingly accommodating one. WebI have three pieces of advice for women when it comes to your guy and his mom: 1. tell him you're concerned to see how much he puts aside his own needs for the family and it hurts you to see people take advantage of him. Maybe there's a deeper reason to why things are how they are but you don't know it cause the only thing that matters to you is that you're not getting the attention. My Boyfriend He is with her often, and while she doesn't call the shots, he is constantly touching base with her. Find a reasonable compromise. I learned about this from the renowned shaman Rud Iand. r/JUSTNOMIL will be the future if you stay and he doesnt change. Normal boundaries start to blur. If your boyfriend can see how things between him and his mom are having a negative affect on their (and your) lives, it will be easier for him to make changes and get the right support he needs. I'd be embarrassed if that were me. Robot Astrologer WebI don't like her and her friends touching on him and flirting with him. The biggest thing that your boyfriend needs to learn about are boundaries what are they and how to reinforce those sometimes its okay to help mom but not if its unreasonable its also okay to say no sometimes and if his mom kicks up a fuss again he needs those boundaries to learn to shut down confrontation and learning to stick up for himself. There is very little privacy between them. To me, that is an exhibition of how he's going to step up in the future if he gets married/has kids. WebWithdraw some of your wifely Character. Cause if you both do then why throw him away when he's clearly about to move out as soon as the coronavirus situation makes it easier for him to do so. Dont taunt him for being a mamas boy. You sounds like a really needy girlfriend man. We all have very different family dynamics. He can be a little passive-aggressive, but he is not likely to leave you if he commits to you. Does he pay rent? EDIT 2: wow guys thanks for the gold, did not expect it, I actually agree with all of thisitd be one thing if he were a dead beat garbage person buthe is clearly in an abusive situation and his life seems very socially draining. 5 Ways to Deal When Your Spouse and Mother Don't Get Along Reddit - Dive into anything When he was at home he rarely had time for me as it was always about his mum. It sounds like OP is already trying to change this guy and she isnt really dating him. The mother asking him to buy food with her money and then asking for compensation when those things are eaten also sounds reasonable, I can't imagine why he should be able to eat special food (or off limit food) for free as this implies there are other food items he can eat without compensation. But just know that in any relationships your not going to be able to give full or constant attention all the time.